June 17, 2011

Facebook funnies

So unless you're my friend (or a friend of a friend) on Facebook, you don't really get a good sampling of my wit.  Never fear, though - I've archived it!
*Names of commenters removed
Why is it when they're giving out free samples in Wal-Mart, it's always THE SAME LADY? And she's usually so chipper as if she's never seen me before, when you know she's wondering "You again?" Don't worry, Sample Lady, I'm wondering the same thing...

WHO INVENTED POP-UP ADS? I WANT THEIR HEAD ON A PLATTER. Seriously, I can't even get through 2 minutes of Nostalgia Critic's review without 1/4 of the screen being covered by the most annoyingly loud ads with microscopic X buttons!

Bad enough that NC is whining that Little Nemo's opening credits weren't entertaining, which PROVES the whole movie sucks - I simply MUST buy On the Border tacos or they will harass me to death!

You guys, there is seriously a Wikipedia page for...toast. I Googled it for a laugh, and I can't believe it's real. Imagine someone going "Toast? What's that? I'd better look it up."

Ok, screw you, Acuvue and your implications! I'm watching an HP marathon when I see a commercial with a SelenaGomezish girl - with glasses - saying "One day, my office will be Oval". (as in, she wants to be President) But hold on, Four Eyes! Not unless you keep OUR contact lenses in your Cabinet! WTF???
You can't be President with glasses? Don't glasses give the illusion of INTELLIGENCE? Do we not want that in our nation's leader?

Man, this Rapture stuff: "True believers are a-going home to Jaysus!" Either way, I'm not scared or concerned. If it doesn't work , anyone "pure" (read: whoever paid that guy handsomely) looks like an idiot, and if it does, we're rid of all the nutbags.
May 21 at 1:21pm •

Why do people continue to use incorrect words like "funner"?? I just saw an Ore-Ida commercial for fries - A NATIONAL CHAIN! Don't they have anyone checking these things?!?! No wonder American kids are stupid! What's next, "Quaker Oats, it's teh rite ting 2 do!" ???
May 9 at 4:16pm •

So I didn't get up at 5am for the royal wedding - but it's okay, because they're STILL SINGING! OMG, "They've walked down the aisle, let's sing. He put the ring on, let's sing. Now, let us pray. Now, a song. Kate's brother speaks about Christ - let us sing! And now, the audience will treat us to a song called, "Bloody Hell, 6 hours, I have to wee!"
The entire procession is praying and singing - they managed to shoehorn some vows in there. I haven't even seen them kiss! Oh, and the priest or cardinal or WTF dissed unofficial/gay marriages with Elton standing right there. Classy.
April 29 at 10:08am •

‎...aand my first post of 2011 was about Disney Princess Spaghettios. What does THAT say about how the year's gonna play out?
January 8 at 3:00pm

Funniest thing the other day: We were at Walmart and the pumpkin boxes were left to the mercy of the wind. When we got there, the price was rolling itself back! So THAT'S how they do it!
November 1, 2010 at 4:52pm •

Signs that you have been online too much: When watching TV and a station ad pops up, you immediately try to click on it to get it to go away.
September 2, 2010 at 11:20am •

Today I realized that when I use products, I often sing the commercial jingles to myself...from the 80's commercials...
August 4, 2010 at 6:22pm •

It might amuse some of you to know that my middle finger is sprained.
July 12, 2010 at 5:13pm

Already tired, I got high on jellybeans and spent an entire hour batting a cup back and forth on my desk. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. Then I realized after posting the JLH pig story on my forum that the forum comes with a pig "smiley". I was happy about that, too.
April 13, 2010 at 10:16pm •

Hurrah, hurrah my ass! ANTS!! I hate them! You can't even go out into the kitchen for food without having to inhale ant killer - and the ants are bringing their own bongs! Sometimes they play possum : "Oh, no, I'm not an ant...I'm pepper! Yeah, I'm pepper, she's pepper, he's pepper, wouldn't you like to be pepper too?" "No, I'm a coffee ground!" "No, no, I am the oregano, buongiorno!"
And we've tried everything - bay leaves, cinnamon, hot sauce, cucumber, citrus. I'm thinking of just getting the chocolate syrup and making some money off them...I think chocolate-covered ants are still a delicacy somewhere...

The dishwasher tried to frame the dog tonight...
March 6, 2010 at 12:01am •

February 17, 2010 at 10:49 pm
Thought I'd be cool, tried sliding on the kitchen floor in my socks like I always do...nearly fell on my ass.

January 31, 2010 at 10:05 pm
Not really loving most of the Grammys - Beyonce's ego trip temper tantrum seizure wank thingy comes to mind, and I'm sick of damn Taylor Swift!!! - but BEP was awesome as usual. Too bad they didn't win any of their awards on the live show!! 

January 31, 2010 at 11:27 pm
OK, I'm real happy for you, Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had the greatest Stevie Nicks cameo of all time. GREATEST STEVIE NICKS CAMEO OF ALL TIME!
Sorry, it had to be said...

So, feeling like some sort of hot water junkie, I am sneaking into my dad's work - in the MEN's room - for a lousy gym shower. At least the water was hot! Let's just say I'm glad it's closed on Sundays. It is a weird notion; feeling guilty about wanting to clean yourself.
January 3, 2010 at 9:59 pm

They're using the garage as some sort of Outward Bound Survivor detox for my caffeine addiction...let's see, if I can vault over the unused drywall, use the Shop Vac hose to guide me over the leaks...dodge the old toys falling on me - success! I've found the extra soda!! *raises flag made out of dryer lint and lost socks*
December 26, 2009 at 9:53 pm

Never freeze bananas. Most importantly, never leave a banana in the freezer for several hours and forget about it. Just trust me on this one.
October 3, 2009 at 1:56 pm

(I have) cabin fever, and sadly, there are no dancing Muppet pirates...
August 3, 2009 at 10:48 pm

 I might just do this every year.

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